For years, I've asked for advice on how to stop caring what people think of me. Those I ask already don't care, and so they do not have the tangles of beliefs that I have. Typically their answers were always: "Just don't care & don't give a f@#%!" And of course that's what I wanted, but why did I still?
I set out to discover the reason so I could find freedom. If you are struggling too, I hope you find something here to light the way. They keys I share with you are to my own locked doors. I hope it helps you see a little clearer to get to your next step.
I set out to discover the reason so I could find freedom. If you are struggling too, I hope you find something here to light the way. They keys I share with you are to my own locked doors. I hope it helps you see a little clearer to get to your next step.
What is perfectionism?
For me, to be perfect meant that I could be loved. I have spent so much time trying to change myself to the liking of other people so I could receive the support and care that I wanted.
I thought I was the reason that I didn't receive those things. I thought I had to be what that person wanted first. Going down the perfectionism trail is a rabbit hole that never ends.
I had a breakdown moment when I realized I could never be perfect. You may have heard or read the idea before that perfection isn't real. That idea doesn't solve my issue because trying to be perfect is NOT about being perfect! The truth about perfectionism for me was never about being perfect for myself. It was always (secretly without my realizing) about other people. I was unknowingly trying to get what I needed from them: love, support, care, etc.
For me, to be perfect meant that I could be loved. I have spent so much time trying to change myself to the liking of other people so I could receive the support and care that I wanted.
I thought I was the reason that I didn't receive those things. I thought I had to be what that person wanted first. Going down the perfectionism trail is a rabbit hole that never ends.
I had a breakdown moment when I realized I could never be perfect. You may have heard or read the idea before that perfection isn't real. That idea doesn't solve my issue because trying to be perfect is NOT about being perfect! The truth about perfectionism for me was never about being perfect for myself. It was always (secretly without my realizing) about other people. I was unknowingly trying to get what I needed from them: love, support, care, etc.
Who is to blame?
When the people who were supposed to love and care for you do not give the support you need, you had choices on how to respond. We all choose differently based on our personalities and the personalities of our parents; what gets their attention and what keeps the home functioning enough to get by. In my little child mind, I chose to take the blame for everything. This way, my parents could do no wrong and I had the illusion of control over the situation. Truly, I was out of control and there was no way to make them fill my needs. But this started a whole set of beliefs that led to thinking I was the problem.
When the people who were supposed to love and care for you do not give the support you need, you had choices on how to respond. We all choose differently based on our personalities and the personalities of our parents; what gets their attention and what keeps the home functioning enough to get by. In my little child mind, I chose to take the blame for everything. This way, my parents could do no wrong and I had the illusion of control over the situation. Truly, I was out of control and there was no way to make them fill my needs. But this started a whole set of beliefs that led to thinking I was the problem.
Let love in ♥
Now at this point, if you do not have your own source of love it will be a challenge. Letting go of a structure like this can feel like ripping a part of yourself out of your body - painful! The reason one creates a structure like this in the first place is to get the love one needs. Here are some facts. You are allowed to need love, because everyone needs love to survive. Okay? This is super important! Finding a source of love is a huge motivator for all of us. Once you discover a way to receive the love you need, this will support you in your ability to stop the old ways that did not benefit you.
Now at this point, if you do not have your own source of love it will be a challenge. Letting go of a structure like this can feel like ripping a part of yourself out of your body - painful! The reason one creates a structure like this in the first place is to get the love one needs. Here are some facts. You are allowed to need love, because everyone needs love to survive. Okay? This is super important! Finding a source of love is a huge motivator for all of us. Once you discover a way to receive the love you need, this will support you in your ability to stop the old ways that did not benefit you.
I found a key!
After many relationship experiences, I have discovered that both blaming self and perfectionism have been SYMPTOMS of a deeper belief that I can now lay to rest. After carrying this enormous burden around with no real advice on how to drop it - I have found a way out! With this new mantra, there are 2 parts: first - I am not responsible for anyone's choices, & second - no one is responsible for my choices. It's important to focus on the first part, and then the second part. Trying to take it all in at once can cause one to revert back to blaming self again.
After many relationship experiences, I have discovered that both blaming self and perfectionism have been SYMPTOMS of a deeper belief that I can now lay to rest. After carrying this enormous burden around with no real advice on how to drop it - I have found a way out! With this new mantra, there are 2 parts: first - I am not responsible for anyone's choices, & second - no one is responsible for my choices. It's important to focus on the first part, and then the second part. Trying to take it all in at once can cause one to revert back to blaming self again.
I am not responsible for anyone's choices in any way, shape, or form.
They can choose to:
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I can choose to:
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